Sunday, November 30, 2008

"I have learning difficulties. You know, I can't read or write, but I had to find a way of expressing myself. The teachers at school made me feel small. So they made me feel like nothing. I'm trying to prove to the world that 'nothing' doesn't exist." —Willard Wigan

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

So keep ya love locked down, ya love locked down

I'm not lovin you, way I wanted to
What I had to do, had to run from you
I'm in love with you, but the vibe is wrong
And that haunted me, all the way home

I'm not lovin you, way I wanted to
See I wanna move, but can't escape from you
So I keep it low, keep a secret code
So everybody else don't have to know

I'm not lovin you, the way I wanted to
I can't keep my cool, so I keep it true
I got somethin' to lose, so I gotta move
I can't keep myself, and still keep you too

I'm not lovin you, way I wanted to
See I had to go, see I had to move
No more wastin' time, you can't wait for life
We're just racin' time, where's the finish line

I'm not lovin you, the way I wanted to
I met no one new, I got no one new
I know I said I'm through, but got love for you
But I'm not lovin you, the way I wanted to
I bathed for the wild bull,
I bathed for the shepherd Dumuzi,
I perfumed my sides with ointment,
I coated my mouth with sweet-smelling amber,
I painted my eyes with kohl.

He shaped my loins with his fair hands.

Monday, November 24, 2008


not just subjective contentment.
happiness happens by chance.
and is temporary.

could suffering be a part of happiness?
yes. it is necessary.
you can't be truly happy unless you are wise.
and you can't be wise unless you have suffered.

'The good' is like the sun. You can't stare at the sun without going blind, you can't see at the sun directly, but its only by the sun's light that you see everything else. So you can't know the 'absolute good' as you can know finite definable things like justice, but it's only by that light that you can know whatever you know. The sun is not a lit object but the origin of light. And the 'absolute good' is not intelligible, not humanly knowable or definable, but it is the origin of all intelligibility, all order both physical and spiritual.

Monday, November 17, 2008

its safe here

Give yourself a break. Give yourself permission to feel and to function at a less than optimal level for a period of time. You may not be able to be quite as productive on the job or care for others in exactly the way you’re accustomed to for a little while. No one is superman or superwoman; take time to heal, regroup and re-energize.

Well, so long as the Mental Health America web site says its ok...
I have no idea what I am doing. Its just me and Amos.
Parker and Percy don't seem to understand.
But Amos, he knows. He'd spent some cold nights alone, getting skinny.
Its nice that all he wants to do is sleep, too.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

in weeks, months

i bought a bottle of demi sec tonight
just because the label features platelet,
the font.
i am drinking it right now from a mug,
and although it smells terrible (the mug),
the alcohol is doing the trick.

my husband is moving out of our house as i type this.
last night i saw Dream of Life.
today i saw an artist talk.
right now i am in my studio.
i'm going to miami in two weeks.
in two weeks i have lost 5 lbs.
i started taking my eye/skin vitamins again.
all i think about is skin, lately.
will grading homework be easier or harder in this state,
do you think?

Friday, November 14, 2008

dear god

i'm going to be listening to a lot of s. wonder.
save me, stevie.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

i awoke this morning saying "vaginicide" in my head.
seems like a decent way to go.

a sun that never sets burns on.
new light is this river's dawn.
when to speak of a word so old
is to relearn what is known.

a time to think back and move on.
rebuild the loves of lives long gone.

the blood that flows through me is not my own.
the blood is from the past, not my own.
the blood that leads my life is not my own.
the blood is strength, I'm not alone.

i still might explode.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

I never claimed I was any good at it.

In a comprehensive study, you must reveal both the positive and negative truths about your subject. When the subject is yourself, it is not always easy to balance adequate levels of modesty with appropriate levels of vulnerability. People will either see you as uninhibited or garish. Either description may be hurtful, but your consolation is that you were never acting. An inability to hide faults can be seen either way.

I am currently reeling from a specific fault. A pain, just below the ribs and above my hip bones. Each side. It is almost unbearable. Gut tries to resist the urge to bother you every day.

Like I mentioned below, regarding the team sports—have I decided to leave my team? I tried to let my dreams tell me more about it, but I didn't like their analysis at all.