i just couldn't be. so, i'll see you next year.
maybe all my hair will be gone by then.
its always a shock how quickly a clenched jaw can produce an unbearable headache.
and although the midrin helps dull the pain in my head,
and the xanax helps dull most of the world around me,
sometimes you still just can't bring yourself to put on the holiday cheer.
so i choose bed and animals over humans today.
fucking fallible humans.
where charity is considered, well,
there is something about how that can produce a clenched jaw.
i don't think i've felt so stupid in a very long time. being asked to read an artist statement, that talks only about a work that we have so duly noted everyone was finished considering, made me feel like a complete asshole. i had a very real anxiety attack in front of 20 something staring faces (so much for that social contract, where was david hilliard with his camera?), waiting for me to confirm or deny their suspicions about a piece that couldn't sustain their attention for a whole hour. so much for that social contract, too.
its time to retire. to matlock and purring pets and eighteen hours in bed, complete with self-pity masturbation (somehow, david lynch got that one just right) and weightloss. this time, with drugs.
this is melodramatic, but the short of it is: i am still upset and don't quite know how to deal with any of it. the timing is awful (or perfect) and who knows how i will feel in the am. november was a total bust, so i shudder to think that january will be too.