everything was beautiful and nothing hurt

1.
the hardest part about the whole thing is realizing that this isn't going to be the hardest thing i'll ever deal with. people lose their dads every day. maybe that is why its so hard for others to understand...i've arguably been through worse. i can't imagine what the future holds.

2.
The baby is moving every day. I wonder if baby isn't thrilled about the antibiotics either.

songs that start one place and end somewhere else entirely

yes- i've seen all good people


the guess who - no sugar tonight/new mother nature


boston - foreplay/long time


the age of aquarius/just watch this one.

I wrote this: 2003-04-09 11:39:00

Tell us what she's won, Rod!

dearest snow,
can't you see the sun?
the arsenal it comes equipped with?
shouldn't you be burning under it's razor sharp rays?
shouldn't they be penetrating you from the inside out?
shouldn't you be churning from anguish, insulted by the acid
that is the bright yellow glow,,,,
which should be turning your ranks into puny drizzles
of cheap trickles to the feces laden shallow below
that you shall call your new home.

don't be fooled, snow.
i like you most other times.
but as you are, you drive me fucking mad like
an unwanted period when i am really fucking horny.

i told you

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
if you want to depict violence –
of the intimate kind,
the violence you inflict upon yourself,
how do you do it?

what is left when you don't care
despite being told all your life
that you should?

what is left over
and how can it be transformed?

excerpts from my bible

Did you know that true love asks for nothing
Her acceptance is the way we pay
Did you know that life has given love a guarantee
To last through forever and another day
Just as time knew to move on since the beginning
And the seasons know exactly when to change
Just as kindness knows no shame
Know through all your joy and pain
That I'll be loving you always
As today I know I'm living but tomorrow
Could make me the past but that I mustn't fear
For I'll know deep in my mind
The love of me I've left behind
Cause I'll be loving you always

We all know sometimes life's hates and troubles
Can make you wish you were born in another time and space
But you can bet you life times that and twice its double
That God knew exactly where he wanted you to be placed
so make sure when you say you're in it but not of it
You're not helping to make this earth a place sometimes called Hell
Change your words into truths and then change that truth into love
And maybe our children's grandchildren
And their great-great grandchildren will tell
I'll be loving you

Until the rainbow burns the stars out in the sky
Until the ocean covers every mountain high
Until the dolphin flies and parrots live at sea
Until we dream of life and life becomes a dream
Until the day is night and night becomes the day
Until the trees and seas just up and fly away
Until the day that 8x8x8 is 4
Until the day that is the day that are no more
Until the day the earth starts turning right to left
Until the earth just for the sun denies itself
Until dear Mother Nature says her work is through
Until the day that you are me and I am you

cc would say so, too, i think

it's a curse.

earlier, i felt electric.
now, i feel wiped out and cursed.

no strings, but not random
in a few days i will be seeing one boy i used to have that with.
we were into mindfucking, mostly, as he lived in montreal,
and i in michigan.

i'll be traveling to see him in two days with our third,
the link to our sordid love triangle.
my love for third was requited, but never timely.
montreal was my compromise; i was living out third's fantasies for him.
we took dirty pictures of ourselves to send to third.
he was not amused. (secretly, he was amused)

montreal helped me to remember my sexuality. i need montreal again.

so we're all married now,
but i am the only one that isn't happy.

Tillman: We think about nature, place it in relation to our human lives. It has significance for us because we make it, or don't make it, significant.

Stockholder: But I also think that it does exist esparately from us, as distinct from Jameson's lecture, which doesn't. Jameson's lecture exists only in so far as he made it. He manufactured his lecture, which can exist next to a tree or inside a university building. In my work I manufacture something like that, like his lecture, that's very abstract and ordered, by me, and by the culture that houses me. But all that I make is meshed with, and sits on top of, stuff that is incontrovertibly there. I understand that we could talk - and philosophers do talk, ad infinitum, about whether in fact it's there if you don't see it. But I - and I imagine most people - have an experience of some things as really there, and other things as not quite there. I'm interested in how those two experiences mesh.


******
I think about taste a lot. House Beautiful the magazine reinforces and puffs up the notion of good taste, as if there's a right way to do it. My work opens that up to question and proposes that there is no right way to do it, that there's a lot of meaning apparent in the decisions that people make.

—Jessica Stockholder, 1995

"One of her commentators puts it that 'her meditation on how we build and perpetuate visual order can lead us at least to the fringes of meaning' - which we are now in a position to translate into the urban periphery - 'where anxieties about the orders we implicitly condone enter the field of vision'. —Bankowsky, Artforum